


If I'm James Dean, Then You're Audrey Hepburn

by BigDaddyTaemin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 01:35:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13330704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigDaddyTaemin/pseuds/BigDaddyTaemin
Summary: Baekhyun doesn't always believe in love butwhen he develops a crush on one of his coworkers,he wears his heart on his sleeve.He wonders if his taken coworker will be able to give him happiness.or will he drag Baekhyun deeper into the pit of darkness.Hello~ so a brief word of warning:THIS IS NOT A HAPPY ENDING STORY.AND THERE WILL BE A CHARCTER LOSS.I just got done writing a really happy story and i need a little sadness in my life.I am evil.P.S. there will be talk about social anixety, self-harm, despression.All these are experiences that I have gone through so please don't be rude in the commentsI was listening to sleeping with sirens when I thought of the idea, hence name.Playlist for this story. It is on spotify. Warning: it's sad.





	1. Un: Introductions are in order

I walk into the familiar seafoam colored bookstore and sit in a plush, brown leather armchair, staring at the giant man behind the register. 

 

He finally notices me and gives me a wave with one of his warm awkward smiles. 

 

I return one back and try not to blush as he goes back to pricing the newly donated, used books.

 

I was about to speak up when the bell  on the whitewashed door announced someone came in. 

 

"Luhan!" My giant looked up at a blonde, baby looking guy with a smile that puts anyone's (i.e. me)  to shame. 

 

Chanyeol gave me an inpatient look and sputtered, "Sorry Baek. I can’t teach you how to drive today. You can go now." 

 

I try not to let my face fall and give Chanyeol a reassuring nod. 

 

I mutter " 'tis okay." and stumble out the bookstore, bumping into Luhan on the way. 

 

I bowed in apology and rush out the door before my tears overflow. 

 

Not only have I embarrassed myself in front of Chanyeol but in front of his angelic looking friend.

 

I trip over my own feet and fall meters away from the cross walk. 

 

My sobs are muffled by my scarf and are drowned out by the cars passing by.

 

“Hyung?”

 

I looked up to see a blurry vision of my cousin, Oh Sehun.

 

“Hi.” I said before curling my face back into the wet cement.

 

“Hyung, what are you doing on the dirty street?”

 

“Go away Sehun, I’m trying to die.”

“I got a call from Chanyeol hyung to pick you up. He and his new boyfriend are going to hang out today.”

 

“Boyfriend?” I choked out.

 

New tears formed around my eyes

 

“Yeah, he’s like a Chinese teacher at his language learning center. You know, the one hyung goes to learn English.”

 

My eyes rip open. No, I didn’t  know that Chanyeol was going to a language learning center. Because I was teaching Chanyeol how to speak English at work; our arrangement was that in exchange for teaching him, he would teach me how to drive because we both wanted to save money on lessons. 

 

“No. I didn’t.”

 

Sehun gives me a confused look before realizing what he just said.

 

“Hyung! I’m so sorry. Forget what I said.”

 

I got up from the sidewalk and brushed past my younger cousin.

 

_ My life is a lie. _

* * *

 

I zip my parka all the way up, covering half my face.My hood protects my head from the fierce sea breeze.My mitten covered hands rest on my lap as my eyes stare off in the ocean in front of me.

 

I can imagine would it would be like coming to the beach in the summer with Chanyeol.

 

_ Chanyeol. _

 

My breath hitched when I remembered the first time I saw the giant.

 

It was my first day working at the bookstore.

 

_ “You’re the new guy right?” _

 

_ I nod as a tall boy with an awkward smile holds his hand out towards me. _

_ “Cool. Let’s work together well.” _

 

_ Then he grabbed my hand and shook it with enough force that it affected my heart. _

 

Chanyeol was my opposite.He was loud, sociable and didn’t care what others thought of him, whereas I was quiet, shy and freaked out if a customer looked at me weirdly.

 

_ Social anxiety. _

 

That’s what the doctor told me and my mother on why I wanted to oust myself so badly. 

 

The warm tear rolling down my cheek, burning  my cold skin. I wish I was able to be outgoing and project my emotions.

 

I can hear the soft crunch of boots crossing the frozen sand and someone crouch down next to me. “Baekhyun.” the soft but low voice called me.

 

I turn to see big brown owl eyes contrast with creamy white skin.  _ Kyungsoo. _

 

“Come on hyung,” he grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “Let’s go get drunk.”

 

A few meters away, Sehun is hopping from foot to foot and commented that he shouldn’t have worn his converse on such a cold day.

* * *

 

I sit in the middle of Kyungsoo and Sehun’s shitty apartment’s crappy ass living room carpet. 

 

“Fuck everyone!” I say as I bring the green bottle of soju to my lips. I take a swig before mumbling, “Sorry I don’t have hair the color of sunshine.”

 

“Here, here!” Kyungsoo and Sehun slur in unison. The couple are wrapped up in each other’s arms on their run down pink futon that they had found in a dumpster. 

 

“Ya, ya, shit heads. You look like you’re five minutes away from fucking. Pay attention to my broken heart!” I throw the empty bottle at my cousin's head , missing the younger by a hair.

 

“Chill out, Baek!” Sehun throws a  can of beer at me, the contents spilling across my black One Direction shirt. 

 

“You bitch! It’s a collectable! It has fucking Zayn's face on it!” I tried to lunge at my cousin but Kyungsoo grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the bathroom. 

 

“Come on Byun, you need to cool off a bit.”

 

“This isn’t over Oh, you owe me a fucking new One Direction shirt. WITH ZAYN ON IT!” 

 

Kyungsoo helped steady me as he pulled off my dirty clothes, “Oh look Sehun, your boyfriend is taking off my clothes. I should fuck him as punishment for you ruining my precious shirt.”

 

“Fuck off hyung! We all know Kyungsoo would top!”

 

Kyungsoo finished undressing me and gave me a soft shove inside the shower. 

 

A couple of minutes later, I’m sitting under the shower head, sobered up and staring at the pink slashes on my legs. The warm water enveloping me into a hug and I whimper in content.

 

Kyungsoo is sitting on the toilet watching me trace the scars all over my body. 

 

“Remember in highschool, I liked that one guy. God, what was his name? Tan, dyed his hair silver, looked innocent but was a total asshole.”

 

“Jongin.” I murmur. 

 

“Yeah him.” Kyungsoo muses before pulling out a lighter and pack of cigarettes from his skin tight black skinny jeans. “Remember that he asked me out, fucked me and then dumped me the next day?”

 

Of course I remember that; Kyungsoo had been at our school for a month when Jongin asked him out. He took him to a party, stole his virginity and broke up with him in front of whole cafeteria. 

 

“Remember when he pretended to not know me and basically shouted out that I threw myself at him and he just did me a favor but sleeping with ‘my sorry ass’?”

 

I nodded because that’s exactly what Jongin did to me a couple days prior of Kyungsoo. Jongin was dared to ask out the weird art kid that wore a lot of black and hangs out with the equally weird, Oh Sehun. Jongin had fucked me in the backyard of one of his friend’s home. Then pretended I didn’t exist the next day. 

 

It was a typical game played among the jocks and is often made into movies but unlike the movies, these jocks don’t fall in love with the weird kids. 

 

I had cut myself seven times on my right arm because of the trauma. 

 

“Then Sehun showed up and punched the shit out of him.” Sehun had seen my arm that day and got furious; he knew I would cut myself and tried to get me to stop but his efforts were futile. When he basically pried out what had caused these new cuts, Sehun stormed off in search of the baseball pitcher. 

 

Sehun found him in the cafeteria laughing, laughing as if he didn’t just take away my virginity.

 

_ Bam _ . One punch in the eye.

 

_ ‘That’s for my cousin!’ _

 

When he saw a sniffling owl looking boy who looked like he’d been pushed to the ground, next to a now crumpled Jongin, Sehun realized that Jongin had another victim. He punched him again,  _ ‘That’s for this cute guy!’ _

 

Kyungsoo finally lit the cigarette and opened the shower door to hand it to me. 

 

“The rest, as they say, is history.” Sehun invited Kyungsoo to our little circle of ‘emo-looking-fags’ and we’ve been friends ever since. Eventually, after a year, Kyungsoo finally gained enough trust in that someone will not hurt him with his own love and went out with Sehun.

 

I, on the other hand, built higher walls and my anxiety grew more into depression and I decided that love is indeed not real. 

 

I take a drag out of the cigarette and blow the smoke into the air. Kyungsoo and I watch the fumes float in the air and disappear just like our innocence. 

 

I have a policy that once the scars on a part of my body no longer affect me, I would get a tattoo over them as a clean start. 

 

It took me until the end of high school to get over that patch of scars on my right arm. I inked over it with a vintage looking, nineteen-twenties flapper girl with a rose in her short hair and below her were the words ‘What is love’ in cursive. 

 

I drag out the last remaining puffs of my cigarette and shove the stub down the drain. 

 

“I’m going to try this time. I’m going to attempt to make Chanyeol like me. I deserve happiness too.” 

 

Kyungsoo nodded his head and gave me a sad smile. Because he knows, that you can’t force someone to like you. 

 

We both know.

* * *

 

 

The next morning I woke up wearing a pair of Kyungsoo’s Power Ranger boxers and Sehun’s slightly charred  Green Day shirt. I stare at the burnt cotton and remember the event that lead to this permanent mark. 

 

Sehun was still in highschool, Kyungsoo and I were roughing it through community college. Kyungsoo finally got his license and managed to scrape enough money for a pack of Marlboro lights. Sehun was trying to impress his older boyfriend with the lighter and tried to light his boyfriend’s first ever cigarette. Too bad for baby Sehun that instead of wooing his owl boyfriend, he got his dad’s favorite band t-shirt incinerated. 

 

I stretch my limbs and lift up from the couch and is greeted with the imagine of my baby cousin being domestic with his boyfriend. Sehun was shirtless and in his adidas sweatpants- underwear not included, I’m guessing- while Kyungsoo was wrapped up in a golden-garden, teal kimono robe- underwear not included too. The elder had his arms wrapped around his young lover’s neck, Sehun was reading the art section of the newspaper and Kyungsoo was reciting a very sappy sonnet. 

 

“ How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and height-”

 

I grumble as I shuffle and plop myself at the table, “You two are being more gay than usual.”

 

It’s not like I hated love, it’s just I wasn’t a strong believer of it.

 

My depression didn’t start in high school. Everyone was actually very liberal with their sexuality and the majority were homosexual, bisexual or pansexual. It started before that.

 

I grew up in a normal family; my dad was a construction worker and my mom was a stay-at-home mom that taught piano. My older brother, Baekbeom, and my dad would sit in the garage, listening to American football through the radio and fix up a 1967 Chevy Impala. I didn’t like that stuff, and would hang out with my mom, learning how to play piano and bake bread. 

 

I always knew I was different. I was twelve when I came out to my parents. My mom told me she knew I wasn’t like my brother and fully accepted me. It was my dad who was having a problem grasping the fact that his son was a ‘fass fucking fairy’. 

 

That’s when my happy, semi-normal family turned into shit. 

 

My dad would try to toughen me up, telling me that I was being like this because I didn’t know what was good. He would sit me down in the basement of our home and force me to watch heterosexual porn with him. He would comment on how a particular female part looked and even encouraged me to touch myself.  

 

He would often tease and ask my brother to try to find a girl in highschool that I can put it into. 

 

I was slowly getting traumatized with my dad’s ‘anti-homo’ therapy that I couldn’t deal anymore. I would lock myself in my room, hide under the covers of my bed until my dad would come and yank me out my room to show me more. 

 

It went on for a year until my mom decided to put an end to it. She stood up to my father and told him to leave me alone. To accept who I was and love me as is. 

 

My dad got so angry that she was ‘giving up’ on me that he slapped her down. I had seen the whole ordeal and got so scared that he would attack her that I called the police.

 

My dad was held in jail for three days before getting released. His job eventually found out what happened and fired him. My dad didn’t take the news well and started drinking. 

He would spend the day going out looking for a job and when no one hired him for his crime record, he would spend his night in a bar. 

 

He would come home angry about his situation and take it out on the person that did this to him, me. 

 

It was few hits here and there, nothing I couldn’t take, then it slowly progressed to him throwing me down and full out punching me. 

 

He would never attack my mom until she would try to get him off of me. He would leave me coughing on the floor so he can ‘teach this bitch to not interfere with a man’s duty’. 

 

I couldn’t handle it anymore, I started to dive deep into depression and it was when I found a box cutter from my dad’s tool box that I started to cut myself. 

 

It felt nice to have my sorrows drip away. Like the blood oozing out of my skin was taking my pain with it as it dripping it onto the floor.

 

My mom knew it was taking a toll on me but she didn’t have enough strength to call the police on my dad. I couldn’t eat, laugh or do anything in my home because the fear of my last sliver of happiness will be beaten out by my dad.

 

I would spend most of my days in Sehun’s house trying to act normal and cover up the cuts but even then I couldn’t fake a smile.

 

I was fourteen when the big incident happened. 

 

I was getting used to the old routine. I would come home around seven, my dad would come home around nine, the abuse would last for an hour until my mom came home from work and after that I would spend my night locked in my room, letting wrists bleed until I passed out. 

 

I had gotten my first boyfriend, a junior named Kris, and I was over the moon for him. 

 

My mom knew about him and would allow me to go out with him after school, anything to see me smile again. 

 

This little love affair made getting beaten up every night worth while because I knew someone would be able to kiss the pain away the next day. 

 

One day my mom told me that she was going to come home early and that my dad was going to take advantage of that to stay out later. She wanted me to invite Kris over to the house so she finally meet him. 

 

I was delighted to have the person that made me happy come over to the place that caused my pain.

 

We were in my room and things were getting pretty steamy. I knew I wanted to give Kris my everything and I was so ready to. 

 

But things don’t turn out the way we plan them to.

 

My dad came home early and like clockwork, went upstairs to teach his ‘fag’ son a lesson. Despite my mom’s protests, my dad didn’t listen and barged into my room, seeing his littlest son writhing around on his bed as someone gives him a blow job.

 

He threw Kris off of me and started beating him, shouting that gays weren’t allowed here.

 

Once I finally got in between my dad and Kris, I yelled at my first boyfriend to run away. 

 

He ran, ran out of my life, out of my love and never turned back. I never saw him since. 

 

The next day, I desperately tried to find Kris at school but was unable to. 

 

That’s when I got angry. I was angered that I couldn’t be accepted and that my chance of love was taken from me. I was tired of being my dad’s punching bag; tired of being his ‘fag’ son. 

 

That night my dad drove into his driveway thinking he’ll have to teach his son another lesson but instead was greeted with police officers and an ambulance. The paramedics were rushing to get me to the hospital while pumping my stomach and my mother was running after them sobbing her eyes out. They were trying to save me because I had ingested an entire bottle of painkillers. 

 

That was the first time I tried to commit suicide. 

 

I had to testify why I tried to kill myself and I told them everything. I told them that my dad hated that I was gay and tried to straighten me out; that he would beat me to a pulp every night and how I would let my carpet stain red with my blood. 

 

My dad was sent to prison after that. I had to transfer schools and what was left of my family was relocated to a smaller house on the other side of town 

 

I still hurt while I was in high school. Everyday I was reminded that I was an outcast not because of my sexuality but because of my attitude.

 

I couldn’t communicate well with others and often got scared in large groups. I wore a lot of black and long sleeves during the summer. 

 

The jocks thought it was funny when I would panic over loud noises and always tried to pop balloons near me. 

 

I was bullied because I didn’t know how to defend myself.

 

One time before Sehun transferred to my school, that asshole that stole my virginity, Jongin took my shoes and threw them on the roof of the science building. 

 

They were my black, suede creepers that my mom worked so hard to get for me for christmas and all I did was yell as they pinned me down and took them from my feet.

 

Baekbeom helped me get them back when he saw me walking home in my socks.

 

He drove me back, picked up Sehun on the way and the three of us retrieved my lifted shoes. 

 

I had to tell my brother the reason why my shoes ended up on the school roof and later that night, he told my mother it would be best to have my aunt transfer Sehun to my school so I can at least have someone to talk to, but in reality, be my protector. 

 

Before that, I would spend my free time at school in the announcer booth in the soccer stadium. I wouldn’t do anything bad- unless I was provoked to- just read books and poems about love. 

 

I hated those books. I hated that I was too scared to experience love after what happened. I was angry that my own father couldn’t love me for who I was. So I would cry; I would cry tears of frustration because the fact that my father didn’t love me for who I was, made me feel like I wasn’t worth loving or living. 

 

If my own flesh and blood couldn’t love me, then who will?

 

I bring myself back into reality when I feel two pairs of arms wrap around me. 

 

I was white knuckle gripping onto the table, tears caused from the past are streaming down my face.

 

“It’s okay Baek, cry it out.”  Kyungsoo lightly kissed my neck when my chest heaves from the sobbing. 

 

I am still the little boy getting the shit beaten out of him for loving another boy. 

 

“It’s okay to feel, hyung.” I am the teenager that cried himself to sleep at night because he sees his mother coming home dead tired from a long shift.

 

“It wasn't your fault.” But it was. If I wasn’t gay, my dad wouldn’t have gone to jail, my brother wouldn’t have had to work full time while in college and my mom wouldn’t have had to wear herself down, struggling to maintain my family. 

 

It is my fault...

 

...Because I love men. 

 

I am Byun Baekhyun, age twenty-three and this is my story about my tragic end. 


	2. Deux: Stomach Tied in Knots

Books.

 

Three dimensional rectangles that house tiny worlds.

 

I loved to read, especially when I felt an episode coming; they would help me forget the black cloud that overshadowed me everywhere I went. 

 

I loved books that came from the jazz and post World War 2 era. My favorite book of all time is Jack Kerouac’s On The Road. I craved to just get up and leave, but of course anxiety took over at the thought of leaving the comfort of my home.

 

Books were my form of traveling. I read a lot during high school which was one of the reasons why I failed Algebra 2; instead of learning about the quadratic formula, I was reading  _ The Sun Also Rises _ and  _ Naked Lunch. _

 

I only got good marks in Literature and English class.

 

I loved English class. I was the only one eager to learn the language because I wanted to be able to read my favorite books in their native language. 

 

Don’t get me wrong, the Korean language is beautiful, but there’s something about reading or listening to a piece of work in the language that it was made in, that brings an indescribable beauty to it. 

 

Which brings me to my current dilemma, “Chanyeol, do you like reading books?”

 

I’m sitting at the register, looking out the window of the bookstore, watching as the people rush in and out of the shops, arms full of bags stuffed with potential Christmas gifts. 

 

My fingers are drumming against the hardcover of the recent book I had finished as I waited for customers to pop into the book store. 

 

“Yeah, I like to read.” The giant was shelving the books that had been sold to us recently. His long copper brown hair was in a bun, displaying his elf like ears to the world. “My favorite books are the  _ Harry Potter _ and the  _ Divergent  _ series.”

 

_ Oh No.  _ Now don’t take this the wrong way, I had also read and equally enjoyed those books like the rest of the world, but they still didn’t claim my top five favorite books. 

 

“My boyfriend Luhan really likes those cheesy romance books. You know the ones they sell like at the grocery store.” He picks one up from the book trolley and points at the cover, “Like this!”

 

I know about those. Those are the ones that are in the back of the grocery store next to the magazine and ‘toy’ section. The ones that you see the typical stay at home mom sneak a peek at the risqué cover and maybe even drop it discreetly into their cart. 

 

I am not ashamed to say that I own a few but like most books of that genre, the story plots are always the same. 

 

“Luhan tries to act manly but it’s things like that, that gives him away.” 

 

I’ve noticed lately that Chanyeol has been bringing up Luhan a lot.

 

It’s as if he wants me to know that my infatuation for him is only one sided. 

 

Chanyeol pushes the trolley to the back room and returns with another stool to sit behind the counter with me. 

 

As he settles down next to me, he takes a peek at the book I’m reading, “Lolita?”

 

I nod, “It’s a really good book. I read it before.”

 

“Really? Why are you reading it again?” he picks up the boom and flips through the pages, “This is all in English.”

 

“That’s why I’m reading it again. The first copy I read was in Korean. I finally got my hands on an English copy.”

 

He sat the book back down on the counter and raised his eyebrow, “You can actually understand it?”

 

“Reading a book, that you already read, in a foreign language will help you learn that language.”

 

“Interesting,” Chanyeol said in a bored voice.

 

“You know, I should give you my favorite English books to read since it will help you out with your English learning. I found this method really helpful when I was learning English and it even-”

 

“Hey Baek, aren’t you supposed to take your break now?” Chanyeol was looking at his phone, scrolling through God knows what. He flicked his eyes towards me and moved his head as if telling me to get going.

 

“I s-suppose I should.” I get off of the stool, pulling my sleeves down to cover my hands, “I’m sorry.”

 

I walk to the back of the store and exit to the back alley. I pull out my lighter and pack of cigarettes, and squat next to the door.

 

_ I was being too pushy that’s why. _ I keep mentally cursing myself over getting too excited with Chanyeol. 

 

I push up the sleeves to my oversized black itchy wool cable-knit sweater, revealing the rows of pink slashes against my pale skin. This is the only time I’m able to reveal them in public; when i’m alone squating in the dark alley. 

 

I’m too afraid that I’ll be a burden to those who see them once they realize what they are. 

 

My depression is only a burden I should carry. 

 

I brush the marks with my fingertips, too deep in thought to notice the door being swung open and Chanyeol popping out. 

 

“Baek!”

 

I jump up from the my spot and quickly pull my sleeves down so far, it engulfs my hands. “Yeah?”

 

Chanyeol stares at me for a bit, a question on his tongue but instead tells me he needs help looking for a book. 

 

I tuck some of my hair back behind my ear and nod frantically before brushing past him to go help the customer. 

 

_ He didn’t see did he? No, he couldn’t have. It was too quick for him to get a clear view.   _

 

Later on, when it’s time to close the store, Chanyeol turns to look at me as I counted the cash register, “eh hum, Baekhyun. . . um. . .” 

 

He scratches his neck, making a few of the hairs in his bun fall down, “About that book theory- you know with the foreign language- I was wondering if you have any books to recommend to me in English?”

 

I look up from the cashier box, wide eyed with amazement, “You really want to try it?”

 

Chanyeol gave me a small nod before looking down at his hands, “If you say it will work then why not?”

 

I rub my hands on my tight black skinny jeans, “Um, if you want, I can let you borrow my own books so you don’t have to buy any.”

 

“That can work.”

 

“Um, I can meet you here tomorrow since you work tomorrow and I have the day off.”

 

“No, why don’t you meet me at the coffee shop down the street. You know the one with the records on the wall? I don’t want you to drop off your books and then I mix them up with the others and accidently sell them. You know how clumsy I am.”

 

I let out a silent giggle, “Sure, okay.”

 

Chanyeol grabs my arm and gives it a small squeeze. I look up to see him give me a sad smile, “It’s a date then.”

 

I can feel the red rush all over my face as the words sink into my fragile mind

 

_ Date. _

* * *

 

My apartment is just as shitty as Sehun’s. 

 

It’s a small studio apartment with a broken kitchenette and bathroom with a door that jams all the time. My view from the living room is half the brick building in front of me and half the busy street that leads to my apartment building.

 

The only thing I really pride myself of is my white Ikea bookcase that houses my book collection. Every nook and cranny of that cheap bookcase is stuffed with each one of my precious books. 

 

As I stand in front of it, running my eyes across every shelf, trying to see which book is worthy of Chanyeol’s eyes. 

 

I have a small pile on the couch that consists of  _ On the Road _ ,  _ The Great Gatsby _ ,  _ Lolita, The Grapes of Wrath  _ and _ The Bell Jar.  _

 

“That should be enough Baekhyun, You don’t want to over-”

 

“AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME!”

 

I rush to my window to see my cousin, possibly drunk, and his petite boyfriend walking hand-in-hand down the snowy sidewalk.

 

I open the window, shivering when the cold hits me, “Ya! Oh Sehun go back to your house! I don’t want you to visit me!”

 

“BYUN BAEKHYUN!” Sehun unlatches his hand from Kyungsoo and raises his middle finger up.

 

“I have neighbors you know!” I watch as Kyungsoo quickly grab Sehun’s arm to bring it down and give him a soft slap on the back of the head. 

 

Sehun lifts a bottle of what looks to be rum, “I KNOW YOU HAVE EGG NOG IN THERE!”

 

“So!?” 

 

Kyungsoo lifts another bag with the words “Hot Topic” on it, “How about now!?”

 

It must be my new One Direction t-shirt. I stroke my chin as if I had a goatee contemplating if I want to have a hangover in the morning, “Fine! But  tell him to lower his voice, I don’t need my neighbors to tell me off!” 

 

Once I let them in, I can smell the beer oozing out of Sehun’s being.

 

“What’s wrong with him?” I ask as I give Kyungsoo a hug. 

 

“Mommy dearest told him that his brother got engaged and asked when he’ll stop messing around with me and find himself a nice girl to settle down with.”

 

Sehun stumbles into my kitchenette, ripping open my fridge door to seek the drink that he desires and the main reason why he’s in my house in the first place. 

 

“The holidays are rough on my family. Don’t think too much of it, Kyungsoo. My aunt is just a bitter bitch about the fact that Sehun is actually enjoying life unlike her. Besides you’re not the one she hates,” I grab the bag from his hand and take the shirt out. 

 

I take the sweater I wore to work off and shimmy into my new shirt, “It’s her faggot nephew that contaminated her son, is who she feels animosity towards.”

 

I give a twirl of my OT5 One Direction shirt, “What do you think?”

 

Kyungsoo grabs my arm and looks at the patch of scares that are on my left wrist, “I think we should ink over you again.”

 

I know what Kyungsoo is thinking, he is afraid that he would relapse. 

 

Before Kyungsoo knew me and Sehun, he believed in the rumors about me that were spread around in my high school. 

 

‘Baekhyun the tiger’ ‘Baekhyun’s skin is no longer white and soft but pink and scaly from all the cuts’ ‘Don’t touch him, his blood is contaminated from the metal that he cuts himself with’. It all hurt but what hurt the most was how Kyungsoo wouldn’t even want to touch me unless I had cloth over my skin. 

 

The way he flinched when my bare arm would brush against him. 

 

The real reason why he hated touching them was that he too, had a few scars of his own.

 

The real reason why Kyungsoo transferred to my school is his sexuality. Unlike my High school, Kyungsoo’s original one was strictly conservative. Anything that would be seen as threat to the pre-modern day Korean thoughts were outcasted. 

 

Kyungsoo isn’t one to cover up his sexuality. He truly doesn’t care- or so he appears to seem that way. It was obvious he would be outcasted the second he stepped on the school grounds.

 

‘It was torture. . .  being there.’ he would tell us. He never gave us a lot of detail, afraid that with all the memories, he would relapse. 

 

From what he has told us, his parents found a letter addressed to them in his backpack and they soon switched him over. 

 

The contents in the letter is unknown but I can imagine what it said. . . I have made my own fair share of suicide notes. 

 

I found out about his marks when he finally decided to spend the night at my mom’s apartment in high school. I never knew how to comfort someone but being there as they cry and tell you how much it hurt at the time was enough for Kyungsoo to trust me and finally touch my manipulated skin. 

 

“Oi, Baek! What’s with all these books on your couch?” Sehun is sitting on my dirty floor, pouring eggnog into a plastic bowl. 

 

Kyungsoo walks to the couch to see what he was talking about. He picked up a book from the stack and studied the cover, “Isn’t this your favorite book? Are you giving it away?”

 

I shake my head and sit down on the floor cross legged. “Chanyeol wants to read some of my English books. I think it will help him learn English.”

 

Kyungsoo sits next to Sehun, stopping him when he thinks the younger pours too much rum into the eggnog, “You’re still teaching him English even though he’s going to that learning center?”

 

I grab the bowl of alcohol and take a giant swig, “Let’s get drunk!”

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head at me but receives the bowl when I push it towards him. 

 

It’s a foggy haze after that. 

 

Sehun cries about the fact that his mom can accept him.

 

I scream “JOIN THE CLUB!”

 

Kyungsoo attempts to comfort him but Sehun jumps on top of him and starts taking his clothes off.

 

Once the giggles turned into moans, I walk to my window and climb over into the fire escape. 

 

I stumble across it and perch myself on the edge, swaying with all the alcohol in my system, “You have no choice but to fall for me Chanyeol! If not then- hic- I will jump of this edge.”

 

I sway forward and look at how my feet dangle off the edge effortlessly, “Love is all I want. And if I can’t get it then I might as well die.”

 

I lay back on the metal scaffolding, “I want to feel alive.”

 

I stare up at the sky, squinting to see the stars that are covered with the city lights. The night sky turns blurry with my tears and I slowly bring my legs back up towards my chest, “I don’t want to feel this hole anymore.”

* * *

 

  
  


The next afternoon, I stumble into the coffee shop that Chanyeol told me about, trying not to drop all my books. 

 

As i look around to see if I can spot the long haired giant, I feel someone's arms wrap around my own. 

 

“Here let me help you with that.” 

 

I look up to see said giant taking the books from my hands and ushering me to a booth near by. 

 

“You should have told me you were going to bring all these books, I would have picked you up at your apartment.”

 

I blush at the thought of Chanyeol coming to my apartment. He’s so perfect, he would stand out in my crappy apartment. 

 

“What? Are you embarrassed of your apartment?”

 

I quietly nod while looking down at my ‘sweater paws’. 

 

“Hey,” Chanyeol reaches over and grabs my arm to bring them up onto the table, “I don’t judge. I’m pretty sure your apartment is way better than mine.”

 

I let out a soft laugh, “I highly doubt that. You’re so. . . perfect.”

 

Chanyeol smiles at me, “No one’s perfect Baek.”

 

He grabs my hand and the points to the menu over the cashier station, “Before you explain to me about each of these books, let’s get something to drink. I heard their sea salt caramel macchiato is amazing.” 

 

I look down at his hand that rests on top of mine. 

 

I can feel it in my stomach.

 

Not the feeling I get when an episode happens but instead, this warm feeling as my stomach ties itself into knots.

* * *

 

 

_ “Luhan listen to me, that boy he has like slashes all over his arms. All over. I feel so bad for him.” _

 

_ “I don’t see why that’s any of your concern?” _

 

_ “I’m telling you Lu, the kid likes me and I try to tell him that I’m taken but I feel so bad. I don’t want to tell him bluntly because what if he cuts himself over it.” _

 

_ “So what do you want to do?” _

 

_ “Let’s pretend. Give me one week to give him what he wants and maybe then he’ll leave us alone.” _

 

_ “See this is where you get me, why are you doing all this for him? Do you like him is that why? What makes you think I’ll be okay with this? What if you end up liking him in the end? And leave me here, alone.” _

 

_ “I like to think that Baekhyun and I are pretty good friends. I don’t think if him and I went out we would have much to talk about. I feel like our personalities are too similar and it just makes for a lot of silence. So no, you have nothing to worry about.” _

 

_ “Fine. I’ll give you one week to make emo boy’s dreams come true.”  _

 

_ “Thanks babe.” _


	3. Trios: Dark Blue

Later that day, after all the flirtatious ( _ I think _ ) advances Chanyeol gave me, he offered me a ride to my apartment.

 

Of course I told him it was okay and that I could have taken the bus but in the end he won with the statement that it was already dark and it looked like it was going to be snowing pretty soon.

 

So here I am, bundled up in Chanyeol’s blue 1985 hatchback Honda Civic, waiting for the red light to turn green.

 

This is the same car that Chanyeol taught me how to drive in and even though the vehicle is very rough shape, I have learned to love the old car. 

 

Chanyeol had told me once, that this isn’t his main car; his real car is a souped up 2015 red Civic with a turbo engine and all those other street racing gloriousness. It’s not exactly street legal so he bought a more moderate car to go to work in. 

 

I’ve always wondered what it looked like; Chanyeol never showed me pictures of it for reasons unknown. Maybe he felt like I would judge him for his choice in automobiles, only the man up above knows. 

 

I let out an audible sigh which draws Chanyeol’s attention from the stop light to me.

 

“What’s wrong Baek?”

 

I lean forward trying to muster up enough courage to look indifferent and say something witty. With my index finger, I wipe the dashboard and flick the dust off of it, “You’re always bragging about your ‘real’ car but I’m starting to believe that said car doesn’t exist.”

 

I mentally praise myself for not stuttering once in the entire sentence.

 

Chanyeol scoffs and lets out a small chuckle as he drives through the intersection, “I assure you, Nicki is real.”

 

“Then why do I never see her?” I turn in my seat so I’m facing him, ignoring that the Seoul sky was indeed snowing just like how Chanyeol said it would. 

 

“I only bring her out on special occasions.” He flicks the knob so the windshield wipers come alive. 

 

“Am I not special enough?” On the outside I look calm and collected but my head is filled with screams of how I am both an idiot and genius.   _ I never knew I could speak this way!? Baek, don’t you dare fuck this up! I swear to God! _

 

This comment makes Chanyeol’s lips quirk up into a smirk. “Listen Baek, I’ll make you a deal. Next time we go out to on a driving lesson, if you manage not to scream ‘Chanyeol I can’t do this’ then I’ll take you out in a date of sorts and I’ll pick you up in my actual car.”

 

The fact that Chanyeol said date made the air in me fly out. I am finally speechless and my mask of calm smashed into pieces, being replaced with my actual shock. My mouth is gaping, my mind is trying to come up with something to retort back but all I could come up with is, “We hardly go driving anymore.” and even then it came out in a jumble. 

 

Chanyeol leans back into his seat, his fingers drummed on the steering wheel, “I have Sunday off, I can pick you up at work and we can drive then.”

 

I nod my head and let out a small okay. 

 

After that, the car ride was silent. 

 

The only time he spoke to me was when he saw that I was pinching myself, it was my attempt to wake myself up from this incredible dream.

 

Chanyeol grabs the hand that was pinching and held it for the rest of the drive. 

 

“Stop hurting yourself Baek, this is very real and I’m very serious about my offer.” 

 

And like that, we finally made it to my run-down, apartment building.

 

I try to hide my embarrassment about my shitty living space by leaning over to grab my backpack and quickly make an exit from the car but Chanyeol pulls me back up with hand that he was still holding onto. 

 

“Give me your phone.” he holds out his large hand out in front of my face.

 

“Why?” I give out a meek protest.

 

“Because something’s wrong with it.”

 

I take my outdated iPhone out of my jacket pocket and murmur a “Did you see it fall?”

 

Chanyeol then takes my life line ( _ my phone, don’t judge me, I’m very attached to it _ .) from my hands. 

 

He presses the home button and is greeted with my lock screen photo of Sehun, Kyungsoo and I sitting on Santa’s lap from when we went to the mall a couple of nights ago. 

 

It was quite funny watching three grown men all in black sitting on the mall Santa’s lap until Santa started to not-so-discreetly grope Sehun’s upper thigh. The picture was taken before Kyungsoo ripped off the fake beard from the guy’s face and threaten to cut his dick into tinier pieces than it already is. 

 

“What’s your password?”

 

“F. U. C. K”

 

Chanyeol chuckles at my little joke but it turns into a full on laughter when he sees my home screen, “What is this?”

 

He turned the phone around to show me my own home screen. The picture was of me asleep on the floor in a Rilakkuma kigurumi, obviously drunk and mouth open with drool spilling out. 

 

I try to grab my phone back but Chanyeol pulls his hand back and leans his head forward so his lips crash onto my foreword. 

 

I quickly pull back once I register what has happened, my hands shoot up to cover the blush that is spreading over my cheeks and I keep whispering, “oh my, oh my.”

 

Chanyeol let out another chuckle before saying, “Cute.”

 

He presses the home button again since the screen timed out and then punches the security code in, “I like rilakkuma too. I have a few bears of my own.”

 

He keeps tapping at my phone for a few more seconds before handing it back to me. 

 

I still haven’t recovered from what had just happened but I manage to say, “What was wrong with it?”

 

“It didn’t have my number in it.” 

 

I’m too in shock to point out that his pick up line was far too cheesy and it got even worse when he gives me a quick peck on the nose. 

 

“Good night Baek. Text me when you’re off of work on Sunday.” 

 

I felt like I was floating. How I managed to say goodbye and exit the car is unknown but I swear my feet never touched the ground. 

 

It was even more of a dream and as I walk into walls to see if it was real while on my way up to my apartment, I never wake up. 

 

My feet finally touched the ground when I am in my apartment. I rush over to my window to see if I can catch Chanyeol drive off but unfortunately since I was in a daze on my way up and it took me longer than it usually would to get to my apartment, the street in front of my building was empty.  

 

I let out a whine of disappointment but it turned into giggles when I remember all the promises and kisses. 

* * *

 

_ “How did it go?” Luhan was sitting on the leather couch, grabbing one of the books Chanyeol sat down on the coffee table.  _

 

_ He flipped through it, snickering at the little notes Baekhyun wrote and highlighted passages, not even noticing the pink piece of paper fall out of  _ On the Road _ and float underneath the couch.  _

 

_ “He took the bait and believed me.” Chanyeol walked behind him and kissed Luhan on the top of his head. “Have you read any of these?” _

 

_ Luhan snorted, “Please, I read these in high school. I’ll give you the rundown on them so you can have something to talk about to emo boy and not waste your time reading them.” _

 

_ “Lu, don’t call him emo.” _

 

_ “Whatever, the boy cuts himself probably for your attention.” _

 

_ Chanyeol lightly pushed Luhan’s head, “That’s not funny Lu.” _

 

_ “Did you kiss him?” _

 

_ “Luhan, don’t start.” Chanyeol pulled away from the back of the couch. “I’m going to take a shower.” _

 

_ “Aw come on Channie! Tell me all the sappy lovey-dovey things he told you and I’ll let you fuck me on the balcony of my apartment!” _

 

_ Chanyeol walked away into the master bathroom with Luhan right on his trail.  _

* * *

 

That Sunday, I’m bouncing up and down on the tips of my toes as I wait for my shift at the bookstore to be over. 

 

_ God why is time so slow? _

 

I let out a huff of annoyance at how empty the store is. It’s always like this on Sundays and it makes the Sunday shifts the dullest out of all the week. 

 

_ Maybe if I had something to do, I wouldn’t be like this. _

 

I kick the toe of boots on the floor as I watch the clock slowly tick away. 

 

Once the large hand landed on the number 12 and the smaller one on the number 2, I bolt to the back room to clock out. 

 

**To Chanyeol @ 2:01:**

Hey! I just got out of work!

 

**From Chanyeol @ 2:02:**

K, omw :)

 

_ HE SENT ME A SMILEY FACE.  _ I bring my closed fists to my face and squeal in delight. 

 

I bundled myself up and wait in the freezing afternoon of Seoul. I look at my phone and smile;  _ December 21, almost Christmas. _

 

Maybe just maybe this Christmas instead of locking myself in Sehun’s bathroom with a bottle of rum and my box cutter, I’ll be wrapped up in someone's warm embrace. 

 

“Hey there cutie, whatcha smiling at?” 

 

I look up, ready to throw an insult at the pompous bastard that dares to flirt at me but all I see is Chanyeol leaning across the passenger seat of the beaten up Civic, “Ready to drive?”

 

“Ready is my middle name.” I hold up two sweater covered fists in a fighting stance.

 

Chanyeol stepped out of the car, making sure to close the door so no incoming traffic can damage the already beaten up vehicle. 

 

I was about to put my combat boot covered foot on the asphalt to go to the driver’s seat but Chanyeol held me back with one of his massive hands on my chest,  “Hold on Baek. Traffic is coming, we wouldn’t want your pretty little face squished.”

 

We stay like that for a bit, every now and then, I shyly look up and my eyes met with his. Chanyeol gives me one of those bright smiles that make you feel like you’re facing the sun. I try to get a hold of myself but all I can do is heat up with blush and tear my eyes to the ground. 

 

I quietly fumble with my sweater paws until I feel Chanyeol remove his hand, “Okay, now you can go.”

 

I quickly stumble to the driver’s seat and let out a large exhale. I fan myself so the heat from the blush and the nervousness can go down not even noticing when the giant enters the car.

 

“Okay there Baekhyun?”

 

I nod my head as I fumble with the levers of the seat so I can actually touch the pedals and see over the steering wheel. “Why are you so tall?”

 

Chanyeol let out a cackle, “One of my many blessings that counter as curses.” and buckles his seat belt.

 

I make sure all my mirrors are fixed and turn the blinker on to tell incoming traffic that I was merging in. 

 

“So,” I look over my shoulder as I turn the wheel so I can go into the nearest lane, “I was thinking that to make me less nervous about driving, you can sort of distract me by turning this little driving lesson into an English lesson.”

 

“Keep going straight. Baek, you’re supposed to be focus on your driving. Distractions will make you even more nervous.”

 

I merge into the middle lane and let out another nervous exhale of breath, “Not a distraction, but something more along the lines of soothing my anxiety.”

 

Chanyeol nods his head and purses his lips, “Okay. How would you ask someone what their name is in Spanish?”

 

“Chanyeol! I don’t know Spanish.” He points to a street and I turn my blinker on so I can turn into said street. 

 

“Just enlighten me Baek.”

 

I ease my foot off the gas when I see the traffic slowing down, “Um, I think it’s  _ Como te llamas?  _ My knowledge of Spanish only comes from Kyungsoo’s love for Enrique Iglesias.”

 

“You mean that really small dude that wears all black and has a glare that can kill?”

 

“Okay what’s wrong with wearing all black? And he only glares because his contacts suck ass.”

 

Chanyeol snorted and pointed at another street to turn at, “You guys don’t seem like the type to listen to that sort of music.”

 

“Kyungsoo really likes the song ‘I like it’ because his boyfriend-slash-my cousin, did a dance routine that won him like couple hundred thousand won.” 

 

“Hmm, what did they use it for?”

 

I slowly press on the break as we hit a red light at an intersection, “He used it to put a deposit for their first apartment.” 

 

Chanyeol shifted in his seat so he can face me, “He wanted him to move out that badly?”

 

“Sehun’s mom isn’t that much of a joy to her baby son. My aunt hates Kyungsoo for ‘seducing’ him and well my aunt hates me for turning him into a sinner.”

 

“Your family is the type to hate anything different?”

 

I nod and slowly move the car forward as I notice the opposite light turn yellow, “Anything unnatural such as loving another man is like a crime to the family. I mean my mom and brother have accepted me and love me as is but it’s the rest that see me as if I bear the scarlet letter”

 

“How did you come out to your family?”

 

I let out a nervous laugh and try not to panic. Sure I like- almost love- Chanyeol but I wasn’t really ready to tell him my entire sob story. “They sort of just already suspected it. How about you?”

 

I threw the question out so he can divert from my vague answer. He let out a soft laugh, “I was really dramatic about it. I made a music video with my best friend who just happened to turn into my boyfriend after that and played it during family movie night.”

 

“Really?” I grip the steering wheel tight as I laugh, “What song?”

 

“I was sixteen at the time so like everyone at that age I was going through my emo phase and I did it to Pierce the Veil's King for a Day.” 

 

Okay but that still is my song and it’s more than just an ‘emo phase’ thing. It gets me on so many levels and has memories of Kyungsoo and I running through our college campus with spray paint on our hands because we finally got our own revenge on the idiot that took our virginity away.

 

“That makes no sense for a coming out song.”

 

“Yeah well, sixteen year old Chanyeol made no sense.”

 

“And twenty-three year old Chanyeol does?”

 

Chanyeol nods, “I like to think so. Pull into here.” 

 

I pull into a bakery parking lot and park the car in a parking space nearest to the entrance. I am not going to walk in this freezing weather. 

 

I look up at the building that we just pulled into with questions in my eyes, “What are we doing here?”

 

Chanyeol unbuckles himself from the seat and got out of the car. 

 

_ I didn’t even turn off the car but okay. _

 

I put the car on park and shut it all off before exiting. Chanyeol opens my door and helps me out of the death trap. 

 

“You did well Baekhyun. You didn’t even complain, you didn’t panic; and just like I promised I will take you on a date but for now, you probably haven’t eaten so let’s get some food.” 

 

He closes the door behind me, grabs my hand and leads me into the warmth of the bakery. 

 

“They make really good pizza here. Oh and croissants. Anything with gluten in it”

 

He ushers me to a table after we order a pizza and a wide variety of carbohydrate goodness.

 

“I take it you’ve been on a gluten free diet?” I say as I pull the white chair out and sit on the red cushion. The bakery looks like it was drenched in white but it allows the pops of color added here and there to stand out and catch the eyes of the customers. 

 

“Luhan's latest craze.” Chanyeol lays back in his chair and looks around the bakery. 

 

“How did you guys meet?”

 

“We went to highschool together. He was actually my first boyfriend and the one to help me come out. We dated until he went to college in China. I even lost my virginity to him but yeah, we reconnected again when I heard he came back to South Korea. We sort of ran into each other somewhere, and kind of picked up where we left off.”

 

I let out a small ‘oh’ and is interrupted when the waitress delivers the bread assortment. 

 

“He has changed though.” 

 

I thank the waitress before giving Chanyeol my attention, “How?”

 

“He likes going through these weird phases like the gluten free diet, dressing up like a hipster and not eating meat. We sort of- well mostly him- decided to make our relationship an open one. We haven’t really had to deal with anyone yet, I mean Luhan occasionally hooks up with a student here and there but it’s not anything- God, what am I even saying? This shit is the worst thing he can make me go through.”

 

I reach across the table and grab his hand, “You don’t have to say anything.”

 

“It’s horrible Baek. Seeing the person you thought you love, parade around with someone else and then come back to you like it didn’t happen. He’s even tried to make me hook up with someone but it’s just- I can’t just sleep with anyone.”

 

I nod, giving his hand a gentle squeeze of understatement.

 

“He just looks at me differently now, like as if he’s mocking me. ‘I have you but I’d rather be with someone else’ sort of thing.”

 

Chanyeol lets out a sigh, “Enough about my relationship and how it’s slowly going down hill. Do you have a boyfriend?”

 

I shake my head, “I had one when I was fourteen and then things happened. I thought I was going to have another one but the dude turned out to be a jerk and stole my virginity.”

 

Chanyeol gasps and furrows his eyebrows, “Why would he do that?”

 

“Because Kim Jongin was a jerk that thought it was funny sleeping with the ‘nobodies’ and then later on shove it in their face that it was all a joke.”

 

His face went into a pout, “Asshole. If I ever were to meet him, I’d beat him up for you.”

 

I let out a loud laugh and shake my head, “Don’t worry, Sehun already kicked his ass.”

 

I keep laughing at the thought of Chanyeol beating up sixteen year old Kim Jongin and how- 

 

My thoughts stop when a pair of warm plump lips meet mine. They quietly press into mine and I can feel the smile that was behind them. 

 

Chanyeol slowly backed away so he can be able to look into my shell shocked, wide eyes. His warm brown eyes never faulting as the bore deep into mine. 

 

“I like it when you smile.”

 

He left another peck onto my lips before returning to his chair. 

 

That was it. This was the moment. 

 

As the world faded into a dark blue mess around me, I knew that in this moment, I was willing to give up the world, the moon and the stars to have Chanyeol give me that look again.

 

The one that makes you feel like you truly belong in this world. 

 

Like you were meant for  that person, and that person only.

 

The look of  _ love _ .


	4. Quatre: A Date of Sorts

_ Wednesday _

 

_ “For the love of God Baekhyun, please tell me where you are?”  _

 

_ Chanyeol stumbled across the bridge, frantically looking around for the short brunette in all black.  _

 

_ “Jesus Baek-” _

 

_ Chanyeol’s voice mail message was interrupted with a siren of an ambulance.  _

 

_ “BAEKHYUN!” _

* * *

 

_ Tuesday (24 hours earlier)  _

 

I awoke with a startle, I dreamt of all black surrounding me similar to the dark blue to when Chanyeol kissed me.

 

I touch my lips with the memory of what happened a few days ago.  _ Chanyeol. _

 

_ “I like it when you smile.” _

 

I lay back down on my bed, what happened on Sunday fresh in my mind. 

 

It took over my entire being that later that night after Chanyeol dropped me off, I called Kyungsoo to gush about it and he actually listened. Even squealing in delight when I mention the kiss that not only happened in the bakery but in the car and on my doorstep.

 

Today the bookstore is closed due to the owner being away for the holidays which means we have the entire day to hang out.

 

I get up from my bed once I remember that Chanyeol said he would pick me up at eleven a.m. 

 

It’s only eight-thirty but just like a girl on the day of her prom, I want to make sure I look my absolute best.

 

I washed my hair with the lavender shampoo that makes the scent really stick to my hair, I did my makeup with the best that Sephora and my bank account can offer and dressed myself in what I thought was my cutest outfit.

 

My usual black crew neck sweater but this time it was my specially ordered one that had my cousin’s face in a meme moment and the word “Ohbey” below his face; the weather is nice today and I deemed it okay to wear my black overall shorts, leaving one strap open so you can see my precious cousin’s face; then to add some height since Chanyeol is such a damn giant, I brought out the famous creepers that have been through hell and back but somehow manage to survive the eight years of drunk nights, asshole jocks and long shifts. 

 

I stare at my legs. 

 

_ This won’t do. I have to change. _

 

Big sweaters and jeans.

 

I let out a sigh of frustration and plop myself down on my mattress. 

 

I can’t erase what I did in the past, even if I want to I can’t. I don’t have a lot of tattoos and the majority of them are on my arms but as I look down at my legs, I fill with regret for not putting more on them.

 

The pink lines vary in size but anyone can tell what they mean; they’re symbols of a dark past that I try so hard to cover.

 

I turn to look out the tiny window near my bed. The air is crisp but not chilly enough for you to bundle up. 

 

These are the type of days that Sehun and Kyungsoo like to drag me out to the beach and strip my lower half down to my boxers.

 

“Your legs need fresh air.” they tell me as we run around the beach in our boxers and sweatshirts. 

 

_ Chanyeol won't judge will he? They’re not that bad. _

 

I grab my phone and dial Kyungsoo’s number.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Soo!”

 

“Yes my little bacon? This better be good because I was about to wake up your cousin for some morning sex.” I can hear a muffled groan and someone say that they can still do it.

 

“Ew, please don’t. Not while I’m on the phone with you guys.” I can hear my cousin laugh at my expense and Kyungsoo shuffling in the sheets.

 

“State your business my child.” I slide my legs up to my chest and trace my fingers over my thigh, the image of a deer head with dream catchers as it’s eyes permanently etched into the white skin. It was my brother’s idea; the innocence of a child’s dream and their wish for never ending happiness. 

 

“Should I wear shorts today?” I can hear Sehun snort and Kyungsoo’s tiny fist meet his chest. 

 

“Shut up Sehun.” He let out a sigh, “Baekhyun, it’s really up to you. Are you ready to share your past with someone? I think you should stop hiding your past. From what you told me, Chanyeol seems like a very understanding guy. Don’t be afraid to show him who you really are.”

 

“So?”

 

The sound of air rushing was heard on the other side and Sehun’s voice spoke through. “Wear the God damn shorts Baekhyun and if he doesn’t like what he sees then fuck him because that means he’s the one with the problem. The human race is filled with imperfection and if he can’t accept your flaws then he isn’t worthy of your time. You need someone who can see what you’re really worth and if he doesn’t then I will personally kick his ass just like how I did to Kim Jongin back in high school.”

 

I can hear Kyungsoo kissing Sehun, “My boyfriend is so smart.”

 

“Don’t you guys forget it. So does that answer your question Baek?”

 

“Yeah.” I unfold myself so I can get off of my bed. 

 

“Good luck on your date Baek.” The line went dead and now I have no choice but to suck up all my fears and show the world- Chanyeol- who I really am. 

* * *

 

It’s ten fifty-eight and I’m pacing around my living room, trying not to freak out. “He’s going to be here in two minutes. Oh my God, shit, is it too late to back out? No, you can do this Baek. Don’t pussy out. You can do this.”

 

There is a knock at the door, causing me to scream and run to hide in the kitchen. 

 

“Baekhyun? I heard a scream are you okay?” Chanyeol keeps knocking and all I can do is crouch in my kitchenette while letting out squeaks of worry. 

 

“I’m f-fine! Just a s-spider!” and right then and there, God gives me the gift of a huge ass spider running across my kitchenette. “HOLY SHIT A SPIDER! FUCK! IT’S HUGE!”

 

I can hear Chanyeol let out a quiet laugh, “Baek, maybe if you open the door, I can kill it for you.”

 

“HE’S GOING TO EAT YOUR FACE!”

 

“He won’t Baek, I promise. Just open the door.” 

 

I scramble to get up and run to the door. Once I open it, Chanyeol walks in and I quickly hide behind him. “Where is it?”

 

I point to my little kitchen and squeak out a “There.”

 

Chanyeol nods. 

 

He reaches behind him and wraps one of his long arms around me, “Stay close.”

 

I grab onto his shirt and we walk to the kitchen as insync as possible. 

 

“What are we doing today?” I whisper, not wanting the spider to know we’re nearing him and ending his life.

 

Chanyeol pats my back softly then reaches for a napkin in a tin just for it’s storage. “I hope you don’t mind if we go do a little bit of shopping.” he whispers.

 

He crouches down, his arm that’s wrapped around me pulling me along with him. He turns his head to the side and puts a finger to his lips, napkin still in hand, and points to the spider that is currently climbing the faded pastel colored cabinet.

 

In one fluid motion, his arm sprang out and smashes the tissue against the spider.

 

“Well that was interesting for a date. Luhan never had me kill a spider for him.” He wipes the squashed remains of the spider with the napkin. 

 

“I’m sorry, I must seem silly to you.” I try to escape from his hold so I can fall back on the linoleum floor but Chanyeol keeps his arm firm against my body.

 

We slowly rise back up and walk to the bathroom with a simple point to it. “I wanted to go shopping, maybe buy you a Christmas gift or something but for some reason I don’t feel like leaving your house.”

 

He casually throws the napkin with spider remains into the toilet and flushes it. He turns his body so I was no long facing his back so I am now eye level with his chest.

 

“Why?” I whisper with a quick glance at his face.

 

He shrugs and gives me a small squeeze of a hug, “Your house seems so cozy, I wouldn’t mind just hanging here for hours.”

 

I let out a quiet oh, a shy smile playing at my lips. 

 

“You know Starbucks delivers.”

 

“It does?” I look up wide eyed. If I would have known that, It would have saved me drunken nights stumbling to the famous coffee shop with a dead set mind on a creme brulee frappuccino and utterly embarrass myself countless times in front of the cute workers.

 

“No but I have friend that works there and with a simple favor, I know he’ll deliver some drinks to us.”

 

“How?”

 

“Eer- well let’s just say ever since people found out about my and Luhan’s relationship being open, there have been offers from my friends to take Lu out on a date.”

 

“You’re going to pimp your boyfriend out for expensive coffee?”

 

Chanyeol’s face fell into a pout, “It sounded reasonable in my head.”

 

“There’s a Starbucks down the street. We can order pizza and chicken and while we’re waiting for it to get here we can walk to Starbucks and get our expensive coffee. We can even probably pick some beer up to go with our chicken.”

 

Woah, how did this come out of my mouth? 

 

I’m never like this. I can’t even speak to the cute Starbucks worker without stuttering. 

 

Go Baekhyun!

 

Chanyeol has his pensive face on and nods, “Yeah that sounds reasonable. But!”

 

“But?”

 

“Yes there is a but and not that cute one in those overalls of yours,” I turn bright red from the sudden compliment and Chanyeol gives me a cocky wink, “I agree to all your suggestions but you have to let me pay. It’s not a proper date if the man doesn’t pay.” 

 

“Okay but we’re both men.”

 

Chanyeol bends his head down and lays a simple, innocent kiss on my lips, “Don’t question just say yes.”

 

Mind in a daze, I agree without a second thought. 

 

Who knows what else I would gladly give up to Chanyeol with how easily I’m submissive to him. 

 

_ Way to have self control Baek. _

 

He pulls me out of the bathroom and starts to look around the shoebox apartment.

 

“Baek, where’s the phone?”

 

I plop onto the couch and pull my cellphone from front pocket of my overalls. “I only have a cell phone. Land lines are kind of pointless since the only people that call me are boss-nim, Sehun and Kyungsoo.”

 

Chanyeol grimaces and tilts his head, “I’ve called you before. Right?”

 

I let out a “Nope.” making sure to pop the P.

 

“Hmm, I could have sworn-”

 

I held up a finger to silence him and I bring my phone up to my ear. While he was trying to recall if he’s ever called me (which he hasn’t) I was busy dialing the pizza place.

 

I gather up my courage and let out a steady breath when I hear the click of the calling being answered.

 

“Hello, this Pizza Hut. How can I help you?”

 

_ Breathe. _ I was about to answer but Chanyeol grabs my phone from my hand and answers with a smooth, “Can I have one pepperoni medium pizza?”

 

When he grabbed my phone, the hand that was empty reached over for my hand and rubbed soothing circles into the back of it. 

 

“And another medium pizza but this one will be Hawaiian style. Yes, yes. Okay. No thank you. I’ll be paying with card. The address is…”

 

It seems so natural, this scene; Chanyeol holding my hand, us hanging in my apartment and ordering in. It’s been countlessly replayed in dozens of dramas and yet as it happens it doesn’t seem as sappy then when you’re watching it. 

 

It just feels so warm and inviting.

 

Is this love? Is it too early to say it is? Because what I feel right now is how I felt years ago when I was a child learning piano with my mom while my dad and brother fix up that old car.

 

The sense of being normal and surrounded by the warmth of love. 

 

Innocence. 

 

Chanyeol hangs up and I lean forward so our lips can touch. 

 

So soft, yet so dominant were his lips as they move along with mine in a innocent yet lustful dance.

 

I end half way onto Chanyeol’s lap when he moves his lips to kiss along my jaw and neck. He finally breaks the silence as he speaks against my neck “If we go on like this we won't be able to order the chicken or walk to Starbucks.”

 

My eyes roll back in pleasure with vibrations of his low voice against my sensitive skin. 

 

“Tell me honestly,” my voice quivers as i try to hold back a moan because he keeps sucking my neck, making bruises blossom like roses “Do you really want to go buy expensive coffee?”

 

Chanyeol lifts his lips up to talk, “Not really but,” He pulls away from me so he can gently take me off his lap “I don’t want the delivery person to catch us in an intimate position.”

 

“And what position would that be Mr. Park?” I raise my eyebrow, trying to provoke him to say what we’re both thinking. 

 

He leans into my ear to mumble, “Don’t question, just say yes.”

 

Chanyeol presses a kiss onto my ear and as he pulls away he nibbles at my earlobe, sending shivers down my spine.

* * *

 

As we walk into the tiny convenience store, my mind is a million different places.

 

How badly I wanted him to push me against one of the displays and furiously make out with me.

 

How Chanyeol hands felt as he drags me into the store.

 

How it was so easy to fall in love with him.

 

And was I really ready to let someone into my life.

 

I have tried many times to be promiscuous after what happened to me in high school.

 

There was a period in college where Sehun, Kyungsoo and I would party in the underground clubs of Hongdae and listen to the up and coming bands. I would always attempt to flirt with one of the members with the help of liquid courage and would succeed in catching their eye.

 

It was when they would pull me into one of the back rooms of the club so the flirtatious looks and talking could escalate into something else, when I would back out. I made excuses of having to use the bathroom or asking them to get me another drink, that’s when I made my escape from the club and to the diner where Kyungsoo and Sehun would be waiting for me. 

 

They never asked if I followed through but something tells me that they knew I couldn’t go to that extent of hurting myself. 

 

But this was different; this was Chanyeol and although it happened in a short time, I know that this is just more than finding a way to escape the pain. 

 

This is someone that I hope will accept me and my flaws, and learn to love them. 

 

“I think that freezer over there has some good drinks.” I step out of my daze and back into reality. 

 

I look up to Chanyeol, his entire face is in a mischievous smile.

 

I break into an equally big smile, “We should check it out. 

 

We weave through the shelves to the back where the beverages are at, Chanyeol is doing his best to hide himself behind the shelves. 

 

Once we reach the far back corner of the store, Chanyeol attacks my lips and pushes me against the freezer door.

 

“Ah, cold.” I whisper as he kisses the corners of my mouth.

 

“Sorry. Sorry.” He pressed more kisses on my jaw while snaking an arm around my body so he can lift me up.

 

I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck so I can have more leverage. 

 

Chanyeol’s free hand snuck it’s way into the opening of my overalls where i didn’t pin the strap, going dangerously closer to my clothed coc-

 

“HEY! NO SEX IN MY STORE!”

 

We break apart when we see the cashier pointing his broom at us. 

 

Chanyeol grabs my hand and we run out of the mini mart, laughing as we run down the street.

 

“Wait, Chanyeol Wait!” I stop in the middle of the empty street.

 

He turns to face me. He’s breathing hard from all the running but there’s a smile on his face, “What baby, what?” 

 

“We forgot to get our drinks silly.” I stand on my the tips of my toes so I can reach up and caress his face in my hand and give him a kiss.

 

He returns it back and bends down so my feet are safely planted on the ground.

 

“I think, I’ll just have to call that friend of mine.”

 

He tugs my bottom lip in between his teeth before grabbing me and throwing me across his shoulder.

 

He carries me back to my apartment.

 

The trip back was never silent but always filled with giggles and promises of things that shouldn’t be said in public.

 

_ Show me your scars and I’ll show you mine. _


	5. Cinq: Love Love Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead (this was like my third time writing it, I was a smol then)

“ Is that your car outside of my building?”

 

A pizza delivery and two cups of Starbucks later, Chanyeol and I are laying on my floor with our limbs intertwined.

 

We were supposed to be watching some sci-fi movie but instead I got distracted with Chanyeol and his plump lips. 

 

“Mhm,” Chanyeol nods as he continues attacking my neck, leaving blossoming, bright red love bites. 

 

“It’s-s nice.” 

 

Chanyeol’s hand that was kneading my denim covered pudgy hips started to slowly move its way to down.  As soon as his rough calloused hands meet my white and pink legs, I jump up and away in fight. 

 

I grab a pillow off of the couch and attempt to cover my legs. 

 

I try to shrug off my flightiness with a chuckle but once my voice dies down, an awkward silence as thick as the San Francisco fog settles into the room. 

 

Chanyeol scoots over on his knees towards me. 

 

Once he settles in front of me, he tilts my head up just enough so he can leave a small kiss on my already slightly abused lips. 

 

He pulls away from my lips to nuzzle his nose against mine, “Trust me Baek.”

 

I shake my head softly so I wouldn’t break our noses, “I can’t.”

 

“Yes you can,” his lips ghost over mine. 

 

My breath hitches when I feel his hand rest on top of the pillow.

 

He pulls the hand on my face away and places it on my chest so he can gently push me down. 

 

“Lay down.”

 

I lay stiffly across my hardwood floor, my hands wringing each other in worry. His hand hand was still on the pillow that covered my thighs. 

 

“Come on Baek, relax. I’m going to make you trust me. I would never hurt you.”

 

Chanyeol attempts to pull the pillow off my body but my hands fly to it and press it firmly against me. 

 

“Baek,” He whines.

 

“O-on the count of three.” My eyes finally meet his and I try my best not to show how scared I was. No one has never been this interested nor have I let anyone seen my skin up closely. 

 

I lift one of my hands up in offer so that he can hold it. Chanyeol grabs a hold of it and rubs his thumb across the back of my hand. 

 

“One.” 

 

I look up towards the ceiling, not prepared to see Chanyeol get grossed out with the scars. 

 

“Two.”

 

My eyes brim with tears that are ready to fall at the hint of rejection. 

 

“Three.”

 

The security of the fluffy pillow was gone and the cold air of my crappy apartment raised goosebumps on my bare mared skin.  

 

I feel Chanyeol’s finger hover over the dreamcatcher deer, lightly outlining the art work on my pale skin.

 

“What does this one mean?”

 

“The dreams of the innocent.” I whisper out.

 

His finger then zigs zags across my skin, never touching the scars but using them as a guide to my next tattoo that hovered above my right knee. 

 

It was a tiny little outline of a bear, all done in black ink. 

 

“And this one?”

 

I let out a small giggle at the evil bear on my left leg, “I got it when I was drunk, for some reason that one hurt the most.”

 

“How many do you have?”

 

“On my legs? Three. My entire body total is ten.”

 

Chanyeol’s hand jumped from right thigh to my left one. The image was a dagger with a golden handle piercing through a beautiful red rose. 

 

“I got that one when I turned eighteen.”

 

“It must have been hell.”

 

“What? No, I have a high pain tolerance so I was able to-”

 

Chanyeol silenced my rambling by kissing me, hand still on my thigh but it was gently rubbing up and down it. 

 

“Not the tattoo silly, I was talking about life.”

 

I scrunch my eyes closed with the memories that were the reason I got inked. 

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” I feel Chanyeol squeeze my thigh lightly and I open my eyes to see Chanyeol’s face marked with worry. 

 

“I wanted to kill him,” I murmured.

 

“Why?” He brushed a piece of my hair back, “Let me make it better. Let me replace those bad memories with good ones that will make you happy.”

 

“I don’t like the word happy.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“Complete.”

 

Chanyeol let out a dark chuckle, “Let’s make you feel complete then.”

 

He unbuttoned the strap of my overalls and grabbed the hem of the short part, making sure to touch my inner thighs as he glided the denim off of my body.

 

“No piercings?”

 

“One. On my belly button. Kyungsoo and I got matching ones on our seventeenth birthday.”

 

“No shit?” Chanyeol gently pushed my legs open and situated himself between my plush thighs, pushing up the black crewneck to see the sparkly diamond jewelry that digs into the flesh of my belly button 

 

“This isn’t fair!” I squirm, “I’m the only one with my pants off.”

 

Chanyeol leaned down so our hips were aligned and rolled his hips against mine. “Patience young one, today we are trying to make you feel complete.”

 

I let out a whimper meanwhile Chanyeol traces over the pink gem that has a tiny charm that states ‘suck it’. 

 

“I very much intend to,” He says with a smirk.

 

My face burn up with embarrassment at the jewelry, it was a gift from Kyungsoo when he noticed that I hadn’t changed the ring since I got the piercing. 

 

He helped me up so he can slide the sweater off my body better. 

 

What would have been normally snow white skin were pink slashes sometimes forming Xs or tally marks. 

 

“This is agony.” Chanyeol runs his fingers against a tally mark of five on my rib, below it was the song quote ‘your love is my scripture’ painted with dark purples and reds and in a flowery cursive.  

 

“I hate whoever did this to you.” 

 

It wasn’t just one person. It’s a series of people who continue to make me feel like my life wasn’t worth anything. It’s like I’m just standing in a middle of a crowd and the people who come near me end up slashing me. 

 

“It’s okay,” I whisper out.

 

“No, it’s not,” He looks up to meet my eyes, tears threatening to spill from his big round eyes. “No one deserves to be denied the feeling of love.”

 

He gives me another kiss before pulling me up into an embrace that led to him lifting me up and taking me to my room. 

 

Chanyeol’s lips, although cracked and dry, felt so soft against my skin. They felt like tiny butterflies touching my skin.  

 

“We’re doing this slowly,” He says as he takes his pants off before leaning down to kiss me. 

His hands proceed to shed my briefs off my lower body, his lips never leaving my face.

 

It wasn’t harsh like how it was with Jongin, no biting, no teasing. 

 

The feeling of Chanyeol was so overwhelming, he was everywhere I turned my head.

 

His very being never left my body, even if he stopped kissing me, a part of his body would be touching me. 

 

“Chanyeol!  _ Please. _ ” 

 

“Where?”

 

“ANYWHERE JUST PLEASE!”

 

Chanyeol lifted himself from me and let out one of his crazy laughs. You know the one that makes his eye twitch in a- a loving way.

 

“No Baek, I mean where’s the lube and condoms?”

 

“Oh… bottom drawer, bedside table.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I-I don’t want you to use a c-condom.”

 

It was his turn to let out an oh.

 

Chanyeol let his head fall in the crook of my neck and I can almost hear him mumble a “Why are you making me do this?”

 

He left a kiss there then rolled off the bed to get the lube.

 

“It’s flavored?”

 

“I- uh- I like the smell, it takes away from the thought of me… um… fingering myself.”

 

“You finger yourself?”

 

“I-I have needs to!” My face turns fifty shades of embarrassment when he gives me a genuine smile.

 

“I thought you were all innocent over here.”

 

“I’m not really” I mumble out. 

 

I watch as he squeezes the pineapple scented oil over his long slender fingers, making sure to coat each of the chosen ones that will be entering me. 

 

“Ready?”

 

Was I? 

 

I mean, am I emotionally ready to have someone enter my fucked up life. Am I worthy of the love that Park Chanyeol can give me. 

 

I’m so tired. Tired of the empty space next to me in my bed, sitting on the bus with an empty seat next to me. Why is it so hard to live alone? People always say living with someone you love with is so hard but imagine living thinking that you’ll never meet that person. 

 

I wish I could have someone to fight with over where we should eat.

 

I wish I had someone that would take pictures of me when I’m not expecting them. 

 

I want it all, the bad, the good and even the ugly. 

 

“Oh God yes.”

 

The first finger was the hardest, I couldn’t relax because I was thinking so hard over what life would be like having this at my reach every day. 

 

“Relax Baek.”

 

“Just move!” 

 

It felt so good having someone else in there, only having to focus on the feel of his fingers searching for that spot. 

 

Just the thought made me let out whine of a moan. 

 

“Hurry Yeol, hurry.”

 

I can hear him,his own panting. Chanyeol watched me unfold literally at his fingertips with hooded, blown eyes. 

 

This is it, this is what I want. 

 

But I don’t want his fingers, I want Chanyeol’s dick. I don’t care how crazy I sound right now. 

 

I haven’t had sex since I was sixteen for christ sake. Let’s not forget it was horrible sex, my mental consciousness went out the window when chanyeol started to finger me.

 

“Stop. Stop. Please,  _ please. _ Just come inside of me. I want it- so badly. I need it, Yeol, I need-” 

 

My back arched off the bed as Chanyeol pressed his cock all the way inside of me. 

 

I let out a choked, “ _ Yeol. _ ” before squirming to adjust to the girth of his cock.

 

He pulled out before pushing back in again making me sob.

 

He continues to do this until my hiccups of sobs turn into moans of pleasure. 

 

Chanyeol lifts my leg onto his shoulder before thrusting into me searching for it. 

 

“I thought you wanted to go slow!”

 

He pulled out before rolling me over onto my stomach. “Go on your knees.”

 

I scramble to get on my hands and knees but before thrusting back into me, Chanyeol grabs my torso and pulls me up so my back was against his chest. 

 

He guides himself back into me, the new position feels so overwhelming that all I can do is pant.

 

He gives an experimental thrust, not giving up till I let out a loud moan. 

 

“Come on Baek, show me you’re not quiet all the time. 

 

“Gah,” I lull my head back onto his shoulder, panting until I can complete a coherent thought, “I don’t even-”

 

_ What am I even saying? _

 

Chanyeol let out a breathy laugh, “What? My dick makes your brain turn into mush?”

 

He wrapped his arm against my waist so he can lift me up and bring my back down when he thrusted into me. 

 

“More. More. More.”

 

My mattress wasn’t handling it well because it kept sliding against the hard floor with all the movement and with a certain thrust it jolted forward send Me and Chanyeol backward causing the dick inside of me to hit that delicious spot.

 

“There! There! There! More, Yeol, more.” I pounded my fist against his thigh.

 

“Okay, baby, I got you. I’ll make you feel good.” 

 

He guided me backward so I was now seated on his lap, making me bounce up and down in pleasure. 

 

“I’ll find it again. I’ll find it.”

 

And like his promise, he did find it and the feeling made me arch my back so much I saw the wall behind us. 

 

Chanyeol’s big hand wrapped around my neglected cock, “Come on Baek, let me hear that beautiful voice, come on.”

 

And I did

 

All over my bed sheets.

* * *

 

Sleeping with Chanyeol is as great as having sex with him. My bed that refused to get warm when I was in it, now  felt like the middle of July with him inside. 

 

It was the best sleep I’ve had since I got depression.

 

But then there was a moment when Chanyeol was gone for a bit and the air in my room felt weird. 

 

Different. 

 

“Wake up,  _ Baek.” _ The sweet voice was filled with such poison, it made my bones shiver.

 

When I didn’t respond the way the owner of the voice liked, said person jumped on my bed and bounced up and down causing it to shake. 

 

“Lu! Stop!”

 

My eyes flew open when I heard Chanyeol tell Luhan to stop.

 

_ What’s he doing in my room? _


	6. Six: Pair of Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SUICIDE AHEAD

_System shutting down_

 

_System shutting down_

 

_Abort . . . Abort._

 

I was still naked in my bed, my blanket was the only thing covering my lower half as Luhan continues to jump up and down on my bed with a video camera in one hand and a pink envelope in the other.

 

The pink envelope.

 

I try not to cry as this scene unfolds in front of me but I can’t help but let out a choke sob when I see the letter that holds all my feelings, all my hurt and all my good that I wanted to share but it didn’t go to him.

 

He didn’t open it.

 

Luhan did and now that beautiful cunt was jumping up and down in my room reciting line after line of all my private feelings.

 

“ _I lost my virginity at a house party at the age of sixteen. Many would consider what happened rape since I was under the influence of both weed and alcohol but even in that state I believed what he was doing was out of his heart and that he loved me. I was a fool because the next day he sent me a picture of me covered in mud stains from where we had sex and captioned it ‘emo slut pig’._ Oh my God, that comeback was pretty good you have to admit it Baekhyun.”

 

“Luhan!” Chanyeol was still standing by the door; worry mared his face but he was fully dressed in a different set of clothes from what he came in yesterday. “Baekhyun, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he would come.”

 

_Please help me. Save me._

 

“Oh shut up Chanyeol. You knew the plan.”

 

_Plan?_

 

I finally looked up to meet Luhan’s eyes. He got off my bed and grabbed the office chair from desk to sit on it.

 

“The plan,” he said so casually “was to have Chanyeol sleep with you and then walk out on you so you can get over him. I mean come on Baekhyun, do you honestly someone like Chanyeol would like you?”

 

_Of course not._

 

“We were doing you a favor by having Chanyeol sleep with you.”

 

_Of course. Of course this would happen to me._

 

I pushed the blanket off of me not even caring that I was naked. Luhan let out a wolf whistle and brought the camera up to focus on me.

 

I got up from my bed and walked to my closet, everything felt numb. Even I don’t know how I managed to walk to it but in the end, I grabbed the first things I can get my hands on. Coincidentally it was black skinny jeans and a black over sized shirt.

 

I gingerly put on my clothes not even caring that Luhan was still filming me and adding some commentary to what I was doing.

 

I try to walk past Chanyeol but the giant stood in front of me, “Baek, I’m so sorry. Please understand.”

 

I try to walk around but he still places himself in front of me. “Baekhyun, please say something.”

 

I try to push my way past him but he still insists and it's starting to frustrate me. _Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone._

 

_“Just leave me alone!”_

 

It’s the first thing I’ve said since I woke up in the awful situation. Why can’t they just leave me alone?

 

“Why?”

 

“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol tries to grab onto my hand but I rip it away from him.

 

“Don’t touch me. How dare you? You have no right. No right to walk into my life and then do all these things to me just to have it be some plan to get rid of me.”

 

Luhan stood up from the office chair, “Listen princess we-”

 

“No!”

 

“You don’t get to have a choice of what would be best for me. No one does. What you did was aw-awful. You played with a person’s feelings. You made them feel like they can finally trust someone and probably even find some sort of completeness but then you tear it all away.”

 

I turn to look at Chanyeol; He looked so sad, even like he was seconds away from crying. _No, you have no right to cry._

 

“Was it fun? Playing pretend, making me actually believe your lies. Having someone to follow you around like some puppy dog? Tell me, did I feel good? When you fucked me, was it real or were you playing pretend?”

 

“Baekhyun.” His tears finally started to fall and it took all my strength to leave and not punch him for what he did to me.

 

“Move.”

 

“Baekhyun please.”

 

“I SAID MOVE CHANYEOL!”

 

The giant finally stepped away from me, leaving me enough room so he wasn’t able to touch me.

 

“I’m done playing games.” I whispered as I walked out of my apartment.

* * *

 

“What did the letter say Luhan?” Chanyeol looked up at his blond boyfriend.

 

The elder was shutting down the camera, throwing it onto the bed when it finally shut off.

 

Luhan grabbed the letter from his back pocket and shoved it to the giant.

 

“Please don’t tell me you’re catching feelings for him.”

 

Luhan brushed passed the giant, plopping himself down on the couch and taking his phone out Kakao messaging his friend the shit that just went down.

 

“He’s a human being Luhan. He has feelings too.”

 

Luhan murmured a whatever, too immersed on what he was writing to his friend to care what his boyfriend was babbling about.

 

Chanyeol finally opened the letter to see what it wrote.

_Chanyeol,_

 

_These few days of you being so nice to me have been like a dream. I’ve never been able to open up to people. I was always afraid that they won’t like who they find. You have been nothing but sweet to me and I think it’s making me feel whole again. I didn’t have such a great coming out story. My dad didn’t like that his youngest son was a ‘faggot’ and a pretty flamboyant one. He would beat the shit out of me every day, tried to make me straight but in the end it just lead me into depression._

_I put my father in jail. He caught me being intimate with my first boyfriend. Let’s just say that the only good thing that came out of that first attempt was my mom finally left my dad. I never saw my ex boyfriend again even if I tried to contact him after what happened._

_I was an outcast at school not because of my sexuality but because no one thinks the emo twink could actually be cool. Until Kyungsoo happened. I lost my virginity at a house party at the age of sixteen. Many would consider what happened rape since I was under the influence of both weed and alcohol but even in that state I believed what he was doing was out of his heart and that he loved me. I was a fool because the next day he sent me a picture of me covered in mud stains from where we had sex and captioned it ‘emo slut pig’_

_The same guy I lost my virginity to attacked another kid, Kyungsoo. We became best friends with what happened to us and now the little shit is dating my baby cousin. The three of us have been best friends forever. I can’t wait to have you meet them._

_I never bring people to meet them because they always leave when they find out I have baggage._

_You’re different. I actually feel your genuine feelings for me. Your smile melts my heart and the fact that you’re so patient with me. You’re the best. I think I love you. This feeling you make me experience, it’s so overwhelming but it’s so lovely._

_I know i’m not the best when it comes to expressing what I feel but I promise that I would never leave you. Yes I do have my bouts with depression, it’s not going to ever leave, but as long as you stay by my side, i will get better._

_Don’t give up on me. I have so much more than scars and tear trails._

_I would die if you go through with this and end up not liking me the way I like you. Because for me, Chanyeol is everything._

 

Chanyeol replayed the last line over and over again in his head. ‘ _I would die…’_

 

“I have to go find him.”

 

“Chanyeol, he’s going to be fine. He’s a big boy. Shouldn’t he be used to people leaving him?”

 

“Luhan shut up! He can seriously hurt himself!” Chanyeol grabs his coat and walks out of the apartment.

 

_Please don’t do anything stupid Baekhyun. You can find someone more worthy than me._

* * *

 

My bare feet aren’t affected by the cold ground as walk along the streets.

 

My mind is set to going one place and only that place. Some gracious stranger gave me their phone so someone can come and get me but instead I called Sehun and Kyungsoo to say goodbye.

 

The sound of Kyungsoo’s panicked sobs as he asks where I’m at echo my mind but not hitting any spot; my mind is already made up, it ends today.

 

“ _Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet_

_Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry_

_Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes_

_But I really mean it when I say I like you.”_

 

I sing silling break up songs as I trudge forward. No tears escape my eyes because my own pathetic death isn’t that sad.

 

Pathetic Baekhyun.

 

Why am I even alive? What’s the point? No one will ever love me. My own father didn’t like me. Why can’t I be accepted into this world?

 

“God! I don’t challenge you! I just ask that you watch over my mom, the poor woman didn’t deserve a son like me. Someone so pathetic as me doesn’t deserve to be alive. Pathetic Baekhyun.”

 

I finally reach the bridge and as my fingers glide against the cold metal railings, I finally understand why people left me.

 

I’m crazy and I expect too much out of a person.

 

I let out a breathy chuckle, “ _All I wanted was you_

_I could follow you to the beginning_

_And just to relive the start_

_And maybe then we'll remember to slow down_

_At all of our favorite parts_

_All I wanted was you.”_

 

I make it to the middle of the bridge, the deepest part of the river. I step onto the slots of the fence so I could hover over the edge.  I decide it would be best to mention what I was going to miss before I go.

 

“I’m going to miss Baekbom’s laugh, because it reminds me of happier times. I’m going to miss mom’s banana nut bread. I’m going to miss the smell of coffee and cigarettes at 5am. The way Kyungsoo crinkles his nose when he laughs. Sehun’s lack of respect for his elders. Oh God, I’m going to miss Paramore!”

 

The tears start to flow and I start to laugh.

 

“I’m going to miss One Direction Zayn and not fuck boy Zayn.”

 

I’m stalling, I should just do it. What am waiting for?

 

“The crinkly sound when you listen to a vinyl. Running around in the middle of the night with Kyungsoo and Sehun. Seeing Sehun and Kyungsoo being so mushy together. Only having three dollars for gas. My apartment’s lack of view. The smell of old books. My family when I didn’t ruin it.”

 

I hear the sound of tires screech to stop and someone rushing to get out of their car. “Don’t do it kid!”

 

A stranger is trying to save me, how nice.

 

“I love you mom, Baekbom, Sehun and Kyungsoo. Please be happy forever.”

 

I turn to give the stranger a wave of thanks and I climb over the railings.

 

The edge is so scary but

J

 U

   M

      P   

* * *

 

Chanyeol keeps trying to call Baekhyun but all he gets is the voicemail. Baekhyun laughing as he tries to relay the proper greeting but instead you get Sehun saying to fuck off and Baekhyun screaming “Kyungsoo stop tickling me!”

 

 _“_ For the love of God Baekhyun, please tell me where you are? _”_

Chanyeol stumbled across the bridge, frantically looking around for the short brunette in all black.

“Jesus Baek-”

Chanyeol’s voice mail message was interrupted with a siren of an ambulance.

“BAEKHYUN!”

* * *

 

Falling isn’t scary, it feels nice.

 

Like you’re flying.

 

Maybe God will give me a pair of wings when I die.

 

Probably not.

 

I’m nearing the water so I close my eyes in bliss with one final goodbye.

 

“Chanyeol, I still love you.”

 

SPLASH

* * *

 

When they finally found Baekhyun’s body, he was bloated from all the water intake and blue from the harsh cold.

 

He still looked so small against the white sheets, his black clothes clinging onto him but he wasn’t alive.

 

He couldn’t open his eyes and tell us not to worry about him even if we still do.

 

They said he died a few minutes after entering the water.

 

That Sehun and I should be lucky he gave us a verbal goodbye but even that isn’t something we want to think about.

 

Chanyeol was there, a few minutes too late from preventing the jump, but he saw Baek’s tiny body fall into the water.

 

He told us what made Baekhyun drive himself off the edge and even asked the police to arrest him. As much as I want to kick his ass and trade his life with Baekhyun’s, he will live rest of his life in guilt and that is enough punishment for me.

 

“Ready Soo?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Baekbom moved his mom into his house with his then girlfriend, now wife. She wasn’t able to cope with the loss and even tried to commit suicide herself. Now she just tries to do various hobbies to busy her mind and believes that every flower she sees is Baekhyun giving her a kiss and hug.

 

Suicide, ugh, I hate the word so much I want to throw it against the wall.

 

Maybe the world wasn’t ready for someone as tender hearted as Baekhyun. That we weren’t worthy of his love but we should consider ourselves lucky to have some of it. I hope God wasn’t too mad with what Baekhyun did and that somehow he’ll bring him back to earth when it’s ready for Baekhyun.

 

“We better get moving before it gets too cold.” Sehun places the diaper bag into trunk of our car and opens the back seat door to check that I strapped the baby in right.

It’s been five years since Baekhyun has passed. Chanyeol was admitted into a mental institution for consistently trying to get the police to arrest him. Luhan went back to China after what happened, no one knows what he’s doing over there. Baekbom has a wife and two kids, Taehyun and Seohyun. Sehun and I went to Japan to get married and somehow by miracle we recently were able to adopt a baby boy.

 

“I put Baekhyun’s stroller in the trunk and brought blankets just in case it gets really cold. Did you get the flowers?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Graveyards are portrayed as cold, creepy places but as Sehun and I push our son’s stroller towards Baekhyun’s grave, I swear the place gets warmer and brighter.

 

I place the bouquet of orange blossoms onto the head stone and a picture of the three of us the night we moved Sehun and I into our first apartment.

 

Byun Baekhyun

May 6, 1992 - December 25, 2015

Beloved son, brother, cousin, and friend

Words couldn’t express your beauty

  
  


_They say that love is forever_

_Your forever is all that I need_

_Please stay as long as you need_

_Can't promise that things won't be broken_

_But I swear that I will never leave_

_Please stay forever with me_


End file.
